Pack Your Bags

This ain’t your grandmother’s festival packing list, there’s no irrelevant mentions of Native American headdresses or morph suits, only the bare bones of what you need to survive.

Tent: As obvious as it is, you will need a tent. I would recommend going up a size from what you think you need; i.e if there are two of you, get a three man, you will have at least whole extra person worth of gear with you.

tent

Duct Tape: Useful, for fixing the tent. If like me you typically buy the cheapest one available at Tesco it will break, and it will need repairing.

DuctTape

Torch: For that late night piss.

Bin Bags: Can be used firstly to patch any holes in the roof of your temporary home. Additionally it’s a godsend for when it’s time to leave. Rather than having all your damp gear getting everything you own disgusting, whack it in a bin bag.

Wet wipes and hand sanitiser: Even if you’re committed to living in filth for four days it is nice to have clean hands.

Raincoat: It’ll keep you dry, opt for a breathable one, the last thing you need in these circumstances is to sweat more.

Lightweight clothing: As much for the rain as the sun. When it inevitably pelts it down during Friday afternoon it’s nice to know that you’ll dry out quickly rather than being trapped in sodding wet denim.

A fuck off jumper: When you’re sleeping outside in essentially a plastic bag, it pays off to have a fuck off jumper at your disposal. (Also doubles up as a pillow)

Jumper

Sunglasses: Better to look like you’ve just come off the set of Top Gun, than squinting in all of your mate’s photos.

Roll mats: Don’t bother with blow up mattresses. They take up a ton of space, will leave you lightheaded during the inflation process and will in all likelihood deflate after two hours flat.

A lighter: Helpful for starting campfires, lighting cigarettes and making friends when others have forgotten theirs.

Lighter

Power bank: You wouldn’t leave your phone at home so why wouldn’t you take it to a festival? With access to hashtags, leaked secret sets, festivals apps and a fucking alarm clock, it pays to keep your phone charged up and connected using a power bank. Saves begging a food truck to charge your phone for you.

Dry shampoo: You don’t want to be tagged in photos where you look like you’ve been dipped in Crisco, so use this to keep your mane tamed.

Sun cream: Don’t give skin cancer the last laugh.

Spare shoes: For when the blisters get the best of you.

Plasters: See above

Bandaid

Contraceptives: Obvious reasons.

Glitter: Don’t you wanna be reminded of your favourite festival experience in October? It’s a festival essential, but expect to be finding it in your pants for months afterwards.

Top Tips:

Don’t padlock your tent, just indicates to thieves that you have stuff worth stealing.

Don’t pitch your tent at the bottom of a hill, near the toilets, or near main paths and walkways.

Don’t lay guy lines, people will trip on them and take their frustration out on your tent.

Boxes of wine are the most efficient method of getting alcohol in; it has a high ABV and can be bought in large quantities. Additionally unlike beer it tastes fine at room temperature.

Label your clear spirits. Nothing like waking up in the middle of the night for a quick swig of water only to find out it’s gin.

Aim to see a couple of bands a day, but don’t feel like you need to plan your day too thoroughly. The best thing at festivals are often the unexpected, so go with the flow!

Planning your outfits can help save unnecessary extra baggage, leaving more room for the essentials; booze.

Grow accustomed to filth.

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