Agony Aunt Ellie: April 2016

Dear Ellie

I’m currently going through a bit of a “dry spell”; it’s been 6 months since I last got laid! The thing is, a friend of mine is also in the same situation and it’s been suggested that we could help each other out in that department. My only concern is that it may affect the friendship, even though we’ve discussed it and are adamant it won’t change things. Should I just do it?!

Absolutely do not ruin your friendship for the sake of a bang. As shit as it is that you’re going through a dry spell, you’re probably better off investing in a decent vibrator/robo-fanny and having sex with yourself. Sex complicates things, and whilst it is possible to have a mutually-beneficial, no-strings attached sexual relationship, more often than not one party will become more attached than the other. Regardless of any conversations you have had, there really is no way of knowing what the other person’s motives are…

but we’ve agreed that we won’t get attached…” – bollocks. We agree to a lot of things. Remember the last time you had a chat with yourself about a particularly bad hangover? Agreed with yourself that you wouldn’t drink again; that you’d take better care of yourself? How long did that ‘arrangement’ last? And that was with YOURSELF! Ok, I’m speculating here, and perhaps projecting my own appalling willpower on to your situation, but the sentiment remains the same. No matter what you think you will feel or not feel, you cannot anticipate the outcome, and neither can your friend.

Of course, it could be that you do it anyway, fall in love, get married and have a couple of babies, but if you’re fucking each other as a last ditch attempt to get some action, chances are there isn’t much of an organic attraction there, and trying to cultivate one is a disaster waiting to happen. If the only drive is to get laid, the chemistry will be all wrong anyway. You’ll have a few passionless, sticky fix’em- bonks, then probably feel awkward and never want to discuss it again.

Go masturbate like the pro you have become, and leave your pals in the friend zone. The genitals of your dreams are probably just around the corner anyway!

Dear Ellie

I’m a 20 year old second year student at the university, and in the last year I’ve put on a load of weight. I’ve gone from quite a confident, slim woman to an anxious fatty from too much boozing, too many late night snacks from the 24 hour Spar and too many money off vouchers for McDonalds. I’ve got a long term boyfriend who insists that he still finds me sexy, but I can’t take my clothes off anymore without having the light turned firmly off. I know I should exercise but I can’t find the time between studying, a part time job and socialising, what should I do?

Ok, firstly, please stop calling yourself a ‘fatty’ immediately. Beating yourself up every time you look in the mirror is only going to cause psychological damage. No matter how much weight you have gained, there is absolutely no need to be horrible to yourself.

Student life isn’t a typically healthy one, and like most other students, you’ve gained a few pounds. This is NORMAL. It happens to everyone. Alcohol is rammed with empty calories, and convenience food is full of neon crap. But you’re a busy student with a healthy social life, and by the sounds of things you’re juggling so many things that it’s no wonder you have neglected your waistline a bit. So. Fucking. What?!

Yes, being a healthy weight and having a healthy lifestyle is important, and if you are feeling physically unwell, or are dangerously overweight, then it might be time to make some changes. If you’re simply angry about the aesthetics, but are physically fit and well, then you really need to try to focus on what is important. A flat stomach will not pass you your degree, guns of steel will not get you a job, and squats don’t pay bills.

What does concern me is that your body image has become so bad that it is having an impact on your relationship. This signals alarm bells; I would wager that a lot of your cognitive effort is invested in thinking about food, diets, weight etc… endless ‘I shouldn’ts’, forever checking your appearance, obsessing about how to get the weight off fast…These thoughts can be all consuming, and if they are not challenged, then you are at high risk of developing an eating disorder. I realise that this may seem a little over the top – nearly everyone I know has some issue or another with their body, and very few of them go on to develop dysfunctional eating habits, but if things are bad enough that you have come to me, I suspect you are sitting on the edge of an eating disorder shaped cliff, and you need to back the fuck off.

My advice? Instead of beating yourself up, challenge your thought processes. Learn to love your body. If you want to get more active, do it for the right reasons, and do it in a healthy, safe manner. Maybe substitute the odd pub crawl for a gym session, or a hike with your friends. It’s all about balance.

Hang in there, and stop beating yourself up. Academia and abs don’t mix! Just enjoy the rest of your time as a student; it’ll be the last time you can get away with drinking like a fish and eating Spar meals on a daily basis!

You’re brilliant. You’re winning. Keep going!

Dear Ellie

I am a man, but I don’t know how to man. How do I man?

As someone who relates firmly as a female, I have recruited the help of the men in my life to help me with this question. They man really well, so hopefully we can help you on your way to good manning.

We have broken manning down into a few sub-categories to make things a bit easier for you.

Step one: Guns and guns! Every man needs at least 3 guns, preferably big ones that hold a lot of ammo. What do you do though, when the ammo eventually runs out, I hear you ask? Fucking punching!

This leads us to step two: Lifts, gains and protein! What did you have for breakfast? Cereal?! Fuck you, you need eggs. Eggs and bacon and eggs and steak. A really big fuckin’ plate of dead. Delicious. You’ll be a man in no time. Now, hit the gym. Cardio? NO! You are a MAN. Lift! Lift everything, and do so noisily. Remember to take daily gym selfies, and flex the fuck out of your guns…

This will lead you to step three: Burds! Shag’em. All of ‘em. Don’t worry about texting them after either. Men don’t do commitment. Just endless, casual shagging. If a girl wants to see you again, she is probably mental. Stay away…you are a MAN and you don’t need that shit!

Step four: Booze and sport! Go to the fucking pub! Buy a fucking Lager, men drink lager. Make sure you don’t say thank you when getting it as well, men don’t say thank you and bar burds shitting love it! Whilst you drink in a pub the only thing you are allowed to talk about is sport and burds and do it fucking loudly so everyone can hear how much of a man you are.

Congratulations, you are a fucking MAN.

***The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of a twat who likes Top Gear and gets all their education from Unilad posts on social media, and are not reflective of the views of the authors or editor of PS Magazine***

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